The first step

Easy now hombre's...

So I've arrived in Lima, Peru after a gruelling journey from Gatwick.

Leaving is always tough, and I've spent the last few days as a nervous wreck - wondering whether what I was about to was brave or just fecking stupid. I suppose it's only natural for me to doubt what I was doing and that voice in my head grew louder each day, saying things like ''What the hell are you doing, you knob-head? What if its all just a waste of time and money? What happens if you get ill or lose your passport? What about the people you're leaving behind?''

That voice was in charge as I sat in the departures lounge at Gatwick airport, especially when my flight was delayed for 2 hours. Last chance to get out. The flight's delayed, might not even manage to get the connecting flight in Madrid, then what? I'd had enough of this incessant nagging so took myself off to the wetherspoons for a pint and some self-talk.

The hardest part is leaving people behind - Im lucky to have some extraordinary people in my life, people I will sorely miss. It must be difficult for these people too, and the strength they have shown has helped me make this first step.

So with this in mind, and a few kind words from San Miguel, I set off to the departure gate.

A few hours later I arrived in Madrid, where I imagined It would be a massive rush to the next gate. Thankfully I still had plenty of time. What to do? ... Burger King? Yes please. I had a Big King meal. Something about it looked familiar: the burger itself went bread-burger-bread-burger-bread, with cheese, salad, gerkin and burger sauce in between. Big King...can't think. Anyway, it was spot-on.

Had the usual boarding procedure when abroad - a hint of a queue that quickly dissembles into a melee of foot shuffling and shoulder barging. I put aside my natural English urges and joined in...managed to gain at least 30 places, which is lucky because the plane would have probably left without me otherwise. I've never fully understood the need for people to rush in these situations.

I found my seat, which was next to a timid little Peruvian lady...Mine was the aisle seat - handy for toilet runs. I just hoped this ladies bladder was up to the trip otherwise I'd be up every ten minutes.

Reasonably uneventful flight - besides a douchebag dressed as Indiana Jones causing a fuss because he didn't have an aisle seat. He was one of those guys who pretends ''its allll good'' and he's not really that bothered, but still continues to nag the busy air hostesses.

I perused the out-dated on-board entertainment system and found Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Half way through, the head servant rang the bell for dinner so I popped up to the carvery to collect my selection of the finest 28 day matured, oak smoked meats with all the trimmings. Not really. It was, as you'd expect, rice and chicken in a really hot little container, served with a bread roll. Complimentary glass of vino rojo though, thank you very much.

Fell asleep shortly after so I missed the end of the film - I do hope the apes and humans found a way of settling their differences that didn't involve monkey violence.

Woke up needing the biggest poo. I considered holding it in for the remaining 90 minutes but the poo needed me too. We were in this together and I was going to have to break my don't-poo-in-public rule just this time. As I went to get up my path was blocked by the trolley, carrying breakfast. I had to make a decision there and then to eat first, try my best to enjoy it and then do what needed to be done.

I didn't enjoy breakfast, partly down to it being a hot floppy baguette filled with ham and mustard, but mainly down to the pressure on my prostate. Of course, when the time came for me to release my bowels, my poo became shy and rescinded back into its cave. ''WE WILL MEET AGAIN!'' I shouted as I awkwardly squeezed out of the tiny cubicle, ignoring the looks of the people in the queue.

Being very much a modern day Jesus, I helped the little old lady with her luggage. I took the opportunity to ask her what I should pay for my taxi from the airport into Miraflores. Always good to get an idea of prices because its easy to be taken advantage of. As soon as I walked towards the exit I could see the faces of local taxi drivers light up ... "oh, look at this white idiot...I bet I can have his pants down here...TAXI?...TAXI?" I explained where I wanted to go and asked how much. First guy said 100 sol: way off...the next guy was up for negotiation so I managed to get him down to 50. As an extra precaution, I went back inside and asked the official taxi people how much they charged...123 sol. ''Do me a favour love, its 50 outside" They weren't budging on price so I went back out to my guy and sealed the deal. As we walked to the car I had a flashback to the film Taken with Liam Neeson, you know the bit where the frenchman preys upon the girls outside the airport. I asked for documentation in my best spanish accent. He showed me, I was happy, and we moved on.

The drive was ridooonkulous - real life mario-kart but with worse language. I was humbled as we drove past a favela - Id almost forgotten just how bad some people have it in South America. The divide between rich and poor it easy to see, as drivers in BMW's ignore the woman attempting to sell them newspapers at a red light.

Apparently, In Peru you drive however you want...Doesn't matter what side you drive on and indicators are seldom used. At one point there were three lanes of cars fighting for one lane, up a hill. Oncoming traffic had to go up on to the gravel to get round. Everyone beeping their horns and shouting out of windows, side mirrors clunking against one another. My driver didn't look at all bothered, considering he was the target of most of the abuse. I let him do his thing as I was pretty eager to get to the hostel.

My choice of lodgings, HosteLima, is basic and cheap...but has all the amenities you'd want at a backpacker's hostel...free wifi, big TV, pool table and two computers. Its clean and has its own bar and hot showers. My bed was ready at the hostel so I sorted myself out with a hot shower and a snooze before heading out to see what was going on in town....